If there’s one gift anyone grieving the passing of a loved one can give themselves to cope with the holidays and with their loss, experts say it’s this: permission.
Giving yourself permission — permission to feel what you feel, skip a party if you’re not up for it, and otherwise do whatever seems right — that’s what counselors say most helps to cope in a healthy way at the holidays.
“Give yourself permission, in some cases, to call off all your holiday traditions — or pick and choose which ones you want,” said Paula Kosin of Downers Grove, a licensed clinical professional counselor and certified grief educator, whose book, “Grieving: A Spiritual Process for Catholics,” came out in 2023. “You can give yourself permission to not do things … and you have permission — next year, you can do everything again if you want.”
NCTV17 spoke with Kosin and three other local experts who work in the field of grief and grieving, including two who facilitate support groups at their churches and a clinician who specializes in grief therapy.
Several ideas kept coming up. See their suggestions below, and consider this your gift guide for healthy grieving at the holidays.
Give yourself permission.
Grief is unique. It doesn’t follow a timeline or come with instructions. With this in mind, experts invite those coping with loss to grant permission for the holidays to look and feel and be different.
“It’s OK to do what you need to do. It’s OK to limit your expectations,” said Suzanne Keenon, a licensed clinical professional counselor at Fox Valley Institute in Naperville. “Be kind to yourself. If you don’t have the energy to shop or decorate this year, then don’t.”
Name what you’re feeling.
Clarifying your emotions helps tame what Keenon calls “brain chaos,” which can occur during the fog of grieving — especially when coupled with holiday stress. It also helps to identify and ask for what you truly need — be it a phone call with a listening ear, a nap, a break from all the merriment or someone to help put up the Christmas tree.
Plan ahead, and have a Plan B.
This is one of the tenets of the GriefShare Surviving the Holidays course, which Judy Cornett facilitates at Grace United Methodist in Naperville.
Think in advance about what you do — and don’t — want the holidays to involve, given the ways things will be different without the loved one you’ve lost, Cornett advises.
“The important thing is doing what’s comfortable and being gentle with yourself,” Cornett said.
Then, plan what you’ll do if you’re at a get-together, and it’s just too much.
“If you have a Plan B, that also helps you feel like you have some control,” Keenon said. This can be empowering when dealing with grief.
Do what’s comfortable, but don’t isolate.
Even if the typical caroling or lighting of Hanukkah candles or that big office party doesn’t feel right, Keenon invites those coping with grief to find at least one person who can provide company and help process emotions.
Honor your loved ones.
Kosin says “one of the healthier trends” in the broader culture is the encouragement to find a way to continue relationships with those who have passed.
To help yourself progress from overpowering sadness, Kosin says people can find ways to honor their loved ones during the holidays. This can be a place setting at the table, a candle lit on a mantle, a shadow box containing things the relative loved or even a favorite recipe. It also can be simply saying their name.
“You grow to integrate and incorporate the loss,” Kosin said. “You grow as a person, and the grief stays the same, but it seems like it’s getting a little less intense.”
Pass along stories.
It’s so important, Kosin says, to share stories about the person you’re grieving and to let the younger generations hear. Even if it’s something embarrassing. Family holiday dinners can be the perfect venue for this verbal tradition.
“It’s alright to get teary, and it is perfectly OK to laugh and giggle,” Kosin said. “What people don’t often realize is that we can hold both sadness and joy at the same time. It doesn’t have to be either or.”
Care for your body to preserve energy.
Grieving saps energy and can be incredibly draining, Keenon says. Caring for yourself, by remembering to eat healthy foods, prioritize sleep and take breaks is one tip Jane Indreika of Darien emphasizes in the support groups she runs at St. Joseph Parish in Downers Grove. Indreika, a certified grief educator and retired geriatric social worker, also encourages journaling as a cathartic practice and watching for symptoms of depression or anxiety as a sign to get further help.
Seek support groups or therapy.
Many churches, GriefShare locations and counseling practices offer group and individual support for grief. Everyone grieving is worthy of the support they need, experts say, and needn’t feel weak for seeking help.
Be a listener, not a fixer.
If you’re not coping with a recent grief this season, but know someone who is, Kosin and Keenon say the best way you can help is to turn on your ears.
“The biggest thing you can do is be a sensitive listener,” Keenon said, “not a problem solver.”
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